1. There is strife in the Province of Nelson
   Round the shores of Lake Roto-iti
   They've closed down the Pub up at Tophouse
   T'was too scruffy for them don't you see
   If I want a quick beer or a whisky
   It's a drive to the Wairau for me.

   Wrap me up with the bits of my Rover,
   And on my headstone with my name,
   Say, "He pranged driving home from the Boozer,
   The Commission's entirely to blame."

2. They said that our pub was too scungy,
   For people to drink there a sin,
   They think we should only be happy,
   In a DB lounge drinking pink gin.
   When the pressure inside us has built up,
   To the point where wee feel we must bust,
   They say we must use stainless troughs now,
   Not just go out and use a fence post.

3. The place must be built out of plastic,
   Formica and chromium too.
   An old wooden bar's unhygienic,
   And beer out of kegs just won't do,
   A bar that seats six is quite stupid,
   It should take five hundred or more,
   With plush padded seats and a carpet,
   And a patented lock on the door.

4. The passing of Tophouse was something,
   I'm bound I shall never forget.
   We used buckets to drink from - not glasses.
   We all got skunk-drunk you can bet.
   Then from ten o'clock to the small hours,
   Old Ray turned the grog on for free.
   And by five o'clock in the morning,
   There was hardly a bloke there could see.

5. I suppose they will take the pub's licence,
   To give to some new city barn,
   Where you're jammed in so tight and the noise is so loud,
   You have trouble in hearing a yarn.
   It's the same now all over the nation,
   As the old country pubs are closed down,
   The beer barons' business keeps booming,
   As the licences shift into town.

Chorus:
Away, away in Billy the Bus,
Over the hills always making a fuss,
Billy coughs and farts,
Sam cheeks the tarts
Round the roads of Rakiura.

1. Now Arkright used to run the shop,
   Didn't make much, but it wasn't a flop.
   Now, what a shock, he is quarrying rock
   For the roads of Stewart Island.

2. There's "Sinky" in the South Roads ute,
   Getting on now, but he works like a beaut.
   He paints marker poles, and fills the potholes,
   In the roads of Rakiura.

3. Watch it, here comes Mrs Tait,
   Going slow, and she's running late.
   She drives by feel, can't see over the wheel,
   To the roads of Rakiura.

4. Here comes "Spragg" in the rubbish truck,
   Headmaster once, now to change his luck,
   He serves in the Bar, and scatters junk far
   Round the roads of Rakiura.

5. Here comes Jack with a load of pots,
   Travelling at a rate of knots,
   He sells the juice, that lets us loose
   Round the roads of Rakiura.

6. That one there is "Powerhouse Pete",
   You seldom see him on his feet,
   He'll be down a hole, or right up the pole,
   By the roads of Rakiura.

7. Now, "Father Bernard" is our Cop,
   Not enough work to make him hop,
   He sits in his shack, and turns his back,
   To the roads of Rakiura.

8. Well, there you go folks, the tour is done,
   Hope you learned something and had some fun.
   But, think as you do - "all my lies were true"
   Of the roads of Rakiura.