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KIWI TRAIN

also KIWI EXPRESS

Rod Derrett 1962

This is a fairly accurate account of how most of us experienced long-distance travel before cheap airfares, and before even cheaper 2nd-hand Jap imports. Rod Derrett used to recite it to the accompanyment of a piano playing a swing rhythm. He sung the last line only.

These verses were brought back to life through the combined efforts of George Black, Dave Hart, Mitch Park, Matthew Wheatley and Ian Robson. Ian even found a version with some alternative lines, possibly recorded at a Royal Variety Concert in Christchurch. Thank you, gentlemen.

Well, I've travelled near and I've travelled far
I've even been over Otira by car
Flown in an old NAC DC3
And recklessly travelled to Christchurch by sea.
And got tossed out of a yacht, once, while sailing at sea

Bravery or madness? Say what you like -
I've been round the Octagon - twice - on a bike
I've even been up and down Queen Street on a bike
But nothing intrigues me as much I confess
As a trip on a typical Kiwi Express.
As a trip on the Christchurch Dunedin Express

"All aboard!" shouts the guard, and you struggle and sweat
To shove all your suitcases up in the net.
You finally make it, sit down and then - WHACK!
Suddenly, half of your luggage comes back.

But oh what a thrill to be trundled along
In an architect's dream of a carriage - gone wrong!
Breathing in smoke-laden air from the train
And coughing it out through a cracked window pane

And speaking of windows, you know that old line
Throwing Out Rubbish Results In A Fine -
Well there'll be few convictions for that, you can bet,
For no-one has managed to open one yet.

And those blinds that come down and then lock in a socket:
You lock yours, and WHAM! it goes up like a rocket.
So you pull it down gently, you lock it and then
Five seconds later it goes up again.

But the time that I like best
Is when the train has come to rest
And you battle for a little tea and supper.
You scramble down the aisle,
Do the sub-four-minute mile,
Now you've only got a minute,
Peter Snell just isn't in it

Just so you can get a stale pie and cuppa.

Patiently you stand
With your money in your hand;
There's a bloke in front you'd really like to shoot,
'Cos he's got his cup of tea,
Then he accidentallee
Tips it all down yer flamin' suit.

Well you climb back on the train;
No use trying to complain -
The tea was cold and nothing left to eat,
But by way of compensation
You receive a strange sensation
That you've just sat on a sandwich on your seat.

"All aboard!" shouts the guard and the carriage fills up
And you sit there surveying your NZR cup.
Now those cups are so strong that if you collected them all
They'd make a good foundation for a new town hall.
Now those cups are so strong, imagine it can ya?
One railway cup would anchor Britannia


But nature, like time, waits not upon men:
And sooner or later she calls you again.
And everyone STARES!!! - Why? You don't comprehend?
No wonder you chump, you're down the wrong end!

So you retrace your steps, with embarrasment pink;
One thing, you can't be wrong this time - you think!
You wait in the queue for a lengthy duration
Your turn comes round, and they stop at a station!

So ladies and gentlemen, take it from me,
A trip on a Kiwi train's well worth the fee:
In a hard-seated, non-heated, slow, comfortless...(sing)

Second-class, Smoking, Dunedin Express

Kiwi Train on Record

1966 by Rod Derrett Kiwi Train/Bongo Train with Garth Young's Music HMV 45 Zodiac
196? by Rod Derrett on Royal Variety Concert LP? (Kiwi Express?)
1978 by Rod Derrett on Rugby, Racing and Beer LP
Gavin Asher (details unknown)

Kiwi Train in the Oral Tradition

Linley of the Wanganui Library recalled fragments of it as an example of a typical Kiwi ballad, and thus started our e-mail search for these words.

Phil Garland said he used to hear it regularly on the Sunday request session, "When I was a young fellow many moons ago. Ah sigh....!"

George Black said he last recited it in about 1964. But he was still able to recall the words remarkably well.

Dave Hart said "I have dined out on this poem and it has always gone down well, in any company. It's a goodie!"

Mitch Park said "The Kiwi Express wasn't really a song; it was like a talking blues, it was a recitation over a chord structure with a 6/8 or 12/8 swing to it, which changed to 4/4 in the middle where the patter got faster (the refreshment rooms bit), then back to the 6/8 swing again. The only bit of tune was on the last line of the last verse."

Eddie O'Strange thought a version of it was recorded in front of the Queen at a Ch'ch Royal Variety Show. (This may be the reason for the line about the Britiannia, which was the royal yacht.)

Other Ballads you can Recite

The Day the Pub Burned Down
The Eel (omit the chorus)

Other NZ Train Ballads

You can sing or recite these.
Taumarunui on the Main Trunk Line
The Posthole Song
Okaihau Express

The Fairlie Flier

Minnie Dean

Wreck of the Old 2-2-7
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This web page published September 30, 2000